Sadly, these have a ring of authenticity
By lex, on July 13th, 2007
B2 sends along a compendium of statements (allegedly) heard aboard US Navy ships – caution for those of tenderer disposition, some of these are pretty salty:
CO to Navigator: “Hey dummy, pay attention! Ships have been running aground here since Noah was a deck seaman.”
CO to Supply Officer: “So, lemme guess — the reason it’s taking so long to get these parts to get here is that they’re made of iron ore mined on the dark side of a mountain in Tora-Bora, by virgin Afghan college graduates, right?”
CO to Supply Officer at breakfast on the day the disbursing audit kicked off: “You know, I had a really BAD dream last night, it involved you and me in prison with a large man named Leroy.”
CO to Communications Officer, after being told the reason the command circuit was down was not the ship’s fault: “COMMO, you’d better get the damn thing working, and soon, or I’m gonna jam the space shuttle up your ass and you’re going up there to fix the satellite yourself. You got me?”
CO to Navigator: “Debrief??!! You want a debrief? I’ll give you a debrief! You suck!
OPS commenting to XO on the assignment of a new division officer to his department: “I don’t need DIVOs, I need useful people.”
XO to OPS: “I just think up the crazy ideas, it’s your job to make’em work!”
Unidentified Ensign to XO, on trying to schedule ship’s drills: “I have no opinion on that, sir. I’m but a urinal cake in the pissing contest between OPS and the Chief Engineer.”
Ensign answering the phone at 0230: “Is this something I really need to get out of bed for, or is this just more of OPS’s bulls**t?”
OPS to nobody in particular: “Leadership is a bunch of guys doing exactly as I say.”
XO to Weapons Officer: “I’m busy. I don’t have time to chew your ass right now. Leave it in my in-box and I’ll get to it later.”
New Ensign, during a visit to Alexandria, Egypt: “You know what’s so amazing about this place? It’s all so foreign.”
XO to CO, while launching a boat to send a couple officers over to the flagship for a conference: – “Well sir, I see that OPS and WEPS are on
their way over…”
CO, “Yeah, there they go: tweedledum and tweedledummer.”
New Ensign to OPS, 3rd day after the ship has been underway: “So, when does this watchbill thingy start?”
Chief Engineer to Chief Boiler technician: – “Chief, I didn’t know we had a magic genie!?!” – “Sir? What magic genie?” – “The one that’s fixing the broken lube oil purifier down in #1 main machinery room, ’cause there sure as hell ain’t nobody else down there doing it!”
OPS to his entire department (at the top of his lungs): “YES! THE XO IS A MORON! BUT IT’S OUR JOB TO MAKE HIM LOOK SMART, AND WE’RE NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB!”
Exchange between CO and junior officer trying to conn the ship alongside an oiler during refueling:
CO: “Come on, son. Make a decision.”
JO: “Ummm, er, ah…”
CO: “Fer Crissakes, it’s either left or right! I’ll give you a hint, the oiler’s over there, on our left.”
JO: “Oh. Er, ‘come left, steer course…”
CO: “Jesus! Gimme that (grabs microphone), ‘steady as she goes.’ Sh**, Willy, I think I liked you better when you had your head firmly up your ass.”
CO to XO aboard an east coast ship, when asked if they could have ‘Aloha Fridays’ (knock off work at noon on Friday): “Sure XO, no problem. When it’s noon in Hawaii, then you can leave.”
XO to department heads at morning officer’s call: – XO: “DON’T MAKE ME MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU!!! YOU DON’T WANT ME TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU!!! IF I HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU, I WILL!!!”
OPS: “Sir, you already ARE managing our time for us. It’s seven o’clock in the morning on a Saturday and we’re here at work with nothing to do.”
Ship’s Bosun to Ensign, when asked what he was going to do after retirement: “I’m going to Wyoming and lick buffalo scrotums for a nickel a pop, just so’s I can get my self-respect back.”